Things you Never Knew About Percy Weasley
by Nebulae
Summary: Another fic back from exile. OK, it's actually just one thing, but you can't know until you read! Muhahaha! You review mine, I review yours


Things you Never Knew About Percy Weasley  
  
Disclaimer: I believe just about everything in this belongs to JK Rowling. A few other misc. things (his obsession, the banana, the chickens, etc.) belong to friends, family, and other authors. And me.  
  
A/N: the () and the are my muses. I have no control over them (that's right!) Deal with it.  
  
Percy Weasley was tired. Well, you would be too if you had to keep a secret obsession from the kids at Hogwarts for two years, everyday, afraid that someone would discover your secret. For Percy had a most embarrassing secret. He had an obsession with chickens.  
  
It had all started in Percy's fourth year, in his Herbology class. The professor had been about to show them a batch of Mandrakes she had grown, when suddenly a herd of wild chickens from the Forbidden Forest (Well, you wouldn't find them anywhere else, would you?) (Okay, maybe in Ethiopia, but that's besides the point) (Did you know that the Ethiopian chicken is the fastest animal on-)Shut up! I want to hear the rest of the story! Thank you. Now as I was saying, a herd of wild chickens barged in through (were they really WILD chickens?)SHUT UP! Percy was smitten. (Smitten means struck, in this case by love)We know, now shut your trap and go away! The chickens were, so, well, adorable (*Muse #1 gags uncontrollably* To a rooster maybe)We're talking about Percy! Not a rooster! (Well then, Percy needs glasses) He has glasses! (Either that or he has no taste in girls) (or animals) SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! So anyway, Percy was smitten. In the days and coming weeks he could not stop thinking about them. Every night he would go to bed dreaming of running through a field of daises with the chickens. When school ended he was devastated at the thought of leaving his chickens (with which he had been conversing with by mail), but he soon discovered that many of his countryside neighbors owned chickens (but not in herds) anyone would know that (I wouldn't) well, you're slow  
  
Things had been relatively uneventful since then. But when the Chamber of Secrets had been opened, he had almost been discovered. The rooster killings had deeply disturbed him, and he had been getting depressed, had he not been going out with Penelope (pronounced pen+EL+o+pee, not PEN+e+lope) and had she not been petrified, his secret may have gotten out. As it was, everything turned out fine except for one thing. Percy could never quite forgive Ginny for killing those roosters, whether she meant to or not.  
  
But now matters had really come to a head. The heard of chickens he had been writing to had stopped writing back. Usually, every Saturday, Percy got a letter from "Aunt Jane" (wink, wink). But the last letter had came had come on Tuesday, and had simply said  
  
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" and the rest of the page had been bitten off (what was left of the page, the margin? less?). Percy had been instantly suspicious. (Bit of a dumb nut, huh?) Don't talk about my hero that way! (Your hero????) I said shut up! Yea. Shut up. Now as I was saying-(wait, whoa, your HERO?? *breaks into uncontrollable giggles*what kind of *hee hee* idiot are you?) Shut up and let the girl finish her story! Stop! Both of you! Just let me finish! Anyway, Percy was suspicious. One day he couldn't stand it any longer.  
  
"Penelope, dear" he said to her one night a month later (A MONTH!? What the--) JUST SHUT THE ummm, heck UP!   
  
"Yes, Percy darling?"  
  
"I need you to help me."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"I need to get a broomstick."  
  
"A broomstick? What do you need that for?"  
  
"I need to go to the Forbidden Forest."  
  
"Forbidden Forest? Broomstick? Percy, if you get caught-"  
  
"I know, but I must risk it"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I can't tell you."  
  
"Can't tell me? What kind of boyfriend are you?"  
  
"This is more important than you"  
  
Penelope promptly bitchslapped him.  
  
"I'm breaking up with you!" she screamed.  
  
"Wait! Penelope!" Percy pleaded as she huffed down the halls. (Geez, what a ladies man. NOT!) Stop! Damn. Now I'm depressed) But Percy knew what he needed to do. He slunk (I love that word. Slunk! Slunk slunk slunk slunk slunk slun--) SHUT UP!!PLEASE! He slunk (slunk slunk slunk) PLEASE! For THE LOVE OF (okay, okay. I'm shutting up.) (Slunk) He slunk ...*pauses and waits for muse* ...*breathes a sigh of relief*...down to the broom closet. The only one not locked up was and "Old Timers 180", the one they kept for people who were afraid of speed and heights. Percy reluctantly got on it and started it up. Or at least tried to.  
  
"Damn broomstick!" Percy muttered.  
  
"Perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcy" A haunting voice moaned.  
  
"Oh no!" Percy whispered. "The ghost of profanity! I uhhh said darn broomstick. Not the other D word"  
  
"Oh, okay" the ghost of profanity said as it went back to its original course, muttering, "Now I thought I heard Draco say shit."  
  
Percy let out a sigh of relief and took the tired old broomstick out to the Forbidden Forest, where at it's edge the broomstick promptly died. Percy (the mean old beaver he is) left it there. (Never buried it, never even said a prayer for it!)Why do you care? (So you're part of their nefarious scheme too! Down with broomstick abusers! Down with broo--*author an Muse #2 promptly tie Muse #1 down and gag him*)  
  
"Oh well," Percy sighed as he began to dig a grave for the broom with his bare hands and then carve a gravestone for it to appease muse # 1  
  
LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD YOU-  
  
"El Raton liiiiiiiiiiiisto"  
  
Oh no! The Ghost of profanity! I never said anything! Honest!  
  
"I know. This is a warning."  
  
OK  
  
"Bye. We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz..."  
  
Okay, now that that's over. Back to the story. Percy LEFT THE DEAD BROOMSTICK and walked into the Forbidden Forest, where he is about to get eaten by something between a griffin and a dormouse. So-Wait! A dancing banana has jumped himself into the plot and decided to save Percy (damn)  
  
"Muse #1111111111111111111" (oh, shut up) why don't YOU? You have been making mean and nasty comments ever since paragraph 1 (Not all of them were mean and nasty)*Muse #2 attempts the murder of Muse #1 with a baseball bat, thereby giving the author a splitting headache* Ok, We are starting a fresh new paragraph and leaving all of this confusing business behind. So. (SO) Percy was stuck at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, about to be eaten by a..........................................something. About the same time he was to be eaten by the, uh, thing, a dancing banana ran in, killed it, and asked for directions to Las Vegas.  
  
"I'm sorry, but what's Las Vegas?" Percy asked.  
  
"Oh, never mind." The banana stamped his foot "What are you standing around here for?"  
  
"I'm looking for my friends."  
  
"In here?"  
  
"They're chickens"  
  
"Oh, them. I saw them awhile ago."  
  
"Were they okay?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Are they alive?"  
  
"Barely."  
  
"Lead me to them!" And so, under the penalty of, well, nothing really, the banana led Percy to the herd of wild chickens.  
  
Upon discovery of his feathered friends, Percy was struck dumb. Ahead of him, in a clearing of wild daisies were the wild chickens. Metal collars were around their necks and they were pulling a huge pulley, constantly being whipped by a mutant tree frog.  
  
"What..are..they...doing?" Percy managed to whisper.  
  
"They're slaves" The banana answered matter-of-factly.  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Their own will"  
  
"You mean they WANT to be slaves."  
  
"Yup"  
  
"What??"  
  
"Would you like fries with that?"  
  
"I am hopelessly confused!" Percy screamed out to no one in particular.  
  
He ran up to the chickens and yelled "Why are you doing this?" he pleaded  
  
"Well, we get free corn, and after 50 years we get a free vacation to Borra Borra" one of them answered.  
  
"But chickens don't live 50 years!"  
  
"WE DON'T?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So you'll leave?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, there's still the free corn."  
  
"Oh, forget it." Percy stormed. And with that Percy Weasely walked out of the Forbidden Forest and vowed never to be pen pals with ANYONE, oh, wait, scratch that, ANYTHING ever again.  
  
THE END 


End file.
